Three weeks later ...

For the past three weeks, I have been intending to write this post but simply could not get myself to do so. The memories are so acute, the wound still has no signs of scabs, the pain is just so real.

Little time goes by that I don't think of Judy, in some way. It is still so unfathomable that she is gone forever. Surely, so convince me my emotions, she will just come around the corner in the empty hallway. That ringing phone at 6:30 p.m, that must be she telling me she is going to be late from work, again, because of an unexpected crisis. The sound of the door to the dining room that I left slightly ajar when I went to sit in the yard, that must be Judy coming out with a mojito for me, right?

Those are my emotions whispering. My intellect, however, tells me loud and clear that all this will never happen. Never, never, never again. And that is what is so hard to deal with. The finality of it all. Oh, how I h-a-t-e it!

Three weeks ago tomorrow, we had Judy's beautiful service and her unforgettable Celebration of Life in the park. I was humbled by the huge number of friends who showed up—some of whom had started the long drive to Lubbock in the early wee hours. Others flew in to not only pay their last respects but also support me. Dear friends, I cannot tell you how much this meant to me. I had no idea how many people Judy had affected in her life, and I had no idea of the profound impact that she had on so many of them. Actually, I do not think that Judy herself ever had any idea. She would have been embarrassed and would have wanted to brush the attention aside, but, knowing her, privately she would have been proud to have had a positive impact on not just one but so many.

If anything, these past few weeks have shown me even more how, well, good it is to be a good person. Judy was a good person. She lived a good life. She did good deeds. She was "good" incarnate, indeed.

I believe all of us who knew Judy have learned immensely from all this, in various ways. She touched us all, and in that sense her life continues even in her death. In her own way she made sure that we'd be better ourselves because she taught us so well in ways we can't forget. What a truly remarkable human being Judy was.

This blog will stay open to serve as an inspiration to those who may seek it. In the weeks to come I will add more photos and other mementos to celebrate Judy's time with us, but I do not think there will be too many more posts like this. If anything, I hope you will guide others to this blog, people who might benefit from some of the material that can be found here. I may add a small area that allows you to keep up with my future path, if you so choose—or maybe I'll start a blog for myself or use Facebook or some such tool. We'll see. No hurry now. The healing needs to start, and that will take time, lots of time.

Thank you for partaking in our long and arduous journey. Judy and I love you all.

Jürgen

Farewell to Judy

Dearest friends around the world,

This morning at 7:50, Judy finished the valiant fight that she had fought for the past two years. I was at her side—holding her hand and telling her how much I loved her and thanking her for everything she had brought into my life—when her breathing became lighter and lighter and she finally slipped away. The sun had just risen over the horizon and touched the room.

Judy's last few days in the hospital had been filled with her fiercely fighting the cancer. It was not a pretty battle, and I don't intend to belabor the issue. Those of you who saw her in those last few days know how hard she fought, how much resistance she put up, how exhausted she must have been. The nurses kept telling me that they could not believe her strength, physically and spiritually. Well, those of you who had the great fortune to know her and be touched by her know what a tough little package she was.

When Dr. Phillips told me about her failing kidneys and liver on Tuesday afternoon, it became clear that nothing was going to stop the inevitable, and it was easy to decide to not try to prolong her agony but make her as comfortable as possible. Nevertheless, her tremors and fight continued as never was a quitter.

On my request, Tuesday night our friend Andy Y. offered Judy and about 15 of our closest friends communion, something that I felt was important for Judy at this final juncture of her life. Even though she could no longer speak, all of us saw how much comfort she drew from this act. All of us witnessed how she accepted that the fight was over. The speed of her final path seems to be testimony that with that acceptance came a way for her to let go and leave us.

Judy was always worried about others, and she was worried about how I would fare. Well, I don't know about the future, but today I was OK. I did not feel the haze and helplessness that I experienced when we were given the first diagnosis of cancer two years ago. Her final ten hours with us gave me closure, too, and even though I shed hard, hard tears in our last private moments in the same room this morning, I felt surprisingly at peace with everything that had happened.

I would like to ask all those of you who have traveled with us on this long journey to do something for yourselves and for all of us—and many of you may believe for Judy as well: Would you please share how Judy affected you and your life through who she was? We will be having a Celebration of Her Life this Saturday, October 2, at 12:00 noon in Chas. A Guy park (87th Street and Memphis Avenue) here in Lubbock, and we would like to share your comments with all of our friends who we hope will show up. Please send your comments to Liza who has graciously taken over the task of compiling it all. Her e-mail is l.muse@sbcglobal.net. Please send whatever fits into an e-mail!

We will have a memorial service at 10:00 a.m. on Saturday morning at Judy's church, St. Paul's on the Plains Episcopal, 1510 Ave. X. With the celebration at noon everybody should be able to slip into attire fitting for the kind of get-together that our archetypal party-lady Judy would have been at the forefront of organizing. There will be food, and there will be neutral plastic cups if you'd like to bring your own beverage. Bring your kids, because Judy loved them as you know.

And finally, since so many of our friends have already asked: Please do not send any flowers. Judy enjoyed them, but she enjoyed even more feeding the homeless on Thursday mornings at her church. So, if you would like to support that ongoing effort (and I know they were always short on funds), please feel free to direct any donations in her memory to St. Paul's Neighbor-to-Neighbor Ministry, c/o St. Paul's Episcopal Church, 1510 Avenue X, Lubbock, TX 79401.

Dear friends, I hope you will be able to join us on Saturday. Nothing would make me more happy than to share my sorrow and my joy, my tears and my laughter with you at both the service and our celebration of the one that we all loved: my beloved friend, partner, buddy, and wife, JuJu.

In love,

Jürgen

Judy continues her hospital stay

I wish I could give you better news, but that's unfortunately not the case. Judy remains hospitalized, and her current condition is worrisome. Late last week, Judy started to become confused and anxious, and the truth of the matter right now is that she doesn't respond very well. She sleeps very lightly for a few minutes at a time, then wakes up and looks around for a few seconds, and then sleeps again. Only occasionally does she respond to verbal stimuli. She says a few words, but not much makes sense. She is having a tough time with severe leg cramping that sets in when she gets agitated. A CT scan of the brain has not shown any abnormalities or any spreading of the cancer, so we have to assume that this is an aftereffect of some of the massive drugs that she was given last week.

Whether it was my coming back to her last night from Augusta or whether it is a natural improvement, last night was Judy's best in several. She was much calmer and less agitated than before. One of us has to be constantly at her side to prevent her from removing her tubes or getting out of bed. Lorane and I took shifts last night staying with her.

I have talked to Dr. Phillips and Dr. Howell, and both hope that Judy will make a turn for the better in the next few days. I am very worried. Actually, I am devastated by how fast things went so far south. Right now, all I can do is support her and hope that she will pull through. She is still fighting, and as long as she is, so will I.

I will try to update when we see new developments.

Jürgen

Friday morning update

Just briefly: Judy spent a better night than the past few, and it appears as if the antibiotics are finally starting to kick in as her fever seems to be much, much better. Dr. Phillips is putting her some other pain meds that we hope will avoid some of her tremors and other side effects. Candice is with her right now. Things are looking a bit better than they have over the past few days.

Time for an update

Apologies, but the past 2 1/2 days since coming back from Syracuse have been unpleasant and not conducive to updating the blog. I've been scrambling for good news. Here it is:



That's the beautiful birthday "cake" that our dear Martha cooked up for Judy. Isn't it pretty? Even now, close to a week after her b'day, the flowers are in the best shape.

Otherwise, there isn't much good stuff to report. Judy has been hit big and hard: A blood infection; what appears to be a urinary tract infection; and what we hope is c. difficile, a rather nasty bacterial infection that is treatable, while its impostor is worse news. Our hopes lie with Alan's black magic as far as cooking up the most effective antibiotics cocktails is concerned.

Judy is having a rough go at it. Ever the fighter, she cons the nurses (hell, even Alan!) into allowing her to indulge in a tiny piece of Popsicle. You should see the glee in her eyes and the pleasure on her face when she sucks on that precious little bit of taste.

I hope to see Dr. Phillips in the morning and get a better idea of where we stand. For those of you who like to press your thumbs (as most Germans do in a situation like this), this is a good time to exercise your digits; if you put more credence into the power of prayer, Judy will know that you are with her; and if you subscribe to neither, well, think about how nice it will be when she comes home and resumes spreading love and more love by being the JudyAustin we all know.

Jürgen



Here This was the beautiful birthday

No way to spend your 55th birthday

Well, folks, instead of bringing you hoped-for happy news I have to tell you that Judy had to check herself in to Covenant once again tonight. On the eve of her 55th birthday, Dr. Phillips decided that her continuing abdominal cramps and vomiting indicate another partial obstruction of the bowel, and that means back to the hospital. I had left yesterday for Syracuse, and Judy was supposed to be in Palo Duro tomorrow for the TMBRA race—alas, Amarillo got hit big time by remnants of whatver the last hurricane was called, and the race was canceled. And now she's at Covenant, back on the 5th floor. Damn!

I just got off the phone with Alan, who will look in on her tonight in his capacity as attending ID physician. If it weren't for having him (and Martha) as close friends as well as professional sounding boards, I don't know how my head would be able to handle all this.

Once I know more about the expected treatment, etc. I'll post more info. In the meantime, Happy Birthday to my dear Judy tomorrow!

Jürgen

Slowly and, we hope, surely ...

Well, I'd be lying if I were to say that it was a great week. After getting home Monday evening and a wonderful reunion with Judy, things took another turn for the worse when cramps and nausea made Judy's life damn miserable on Tuesday and Wednesday. She said that the pain was as bad as any since coming back from the hospital, and all I could do was just be there. We have no idea what was/still is wrong. On Wednesday she had an X-ray taken and blood work done: nada. Thankfully, Thursday the tide turned and she started to feel better, and today there were just occasional cramps and no vomiting. You need to understand that she didn't eat anything for the better part of a week, and I am worried about that, obviously. Coaxing her into trying a bite of water melon or the like is just not much fun when you know it's going to be brought back up in a retching fit of nausea.

This cancer thing is just not much fun anymore, and I think it is time to quit. I think, Judy concurs.

As you can see from the pic, times have changed a tiny bit. Today (Friday) Judy felt the best since I've come back from Canada. Susan and the girls came by, and the giggles were big during the Popsicle session. Later, Judy and I went to the mall and bought a few blouses and some pants for Judy to wear at work, reflecting the new physical realities. We walked back after Susan had dropped us off at Dillards. Judy was pleasantly tuckered afterward.

That's where we are right now. Let's hope that things continue to look up.

Jürgen

Many improvements, and I'm going home!

Usually I don't post photos of myself on Judy's blog, but tonight is different: I just finished my longest officiating stint ever—one week at the Windham World Cup, one week at the Mountain Bike World Championships in Quebec (in the photo I am controlling the tech/feed zone in the cross-country while an Austrian rider comes through and a Russian soigneur waits for her rider), two weeks total—and I am ready to go home to see my sweet wife! I've been in twice- or thrice-daily contact with Judy via Skype, and it seems as if she's on the right trajectory after this menses horribilis that we've lived through.

I am going to leave Mont Sainte-Anne with a 5:45 a.m. shuttle and will board my first flight (of three) at Quebec City shortly after 9 a.m. Man, I'm ready. Two weeks of non-stop cycling competition do have an effect. I can't imagine doing three weeks at the Tour de France, either as a commissaire or a Doping Control Officer. You may think it's all glorious, but there's a lot of grunt work, too. But, then just think: Judy did five weeks in the hospital!

So, let's hope that things will be happy for the days to come (which is not to say that I didn't thoroughly enjoy the experience of the past two weeks—but the circumstance could have been better, obviously).

Here's to the future!

Problems still linger

Here's a quick update on Judy, written while I am at the Mountain Bike World Championships in Mont Sainte-Anne, Quebec: After two great days at home Judy started having cramps (and diarrhea) during the weekend, and things aren't all cleared up yet. Alan did some lab work on her and is treating her with antibiotics, and he is hopeful that this will take care of it. It seems to be an endless roller coaster, but Judy is tough and hanging in there. Even though I obviously find everything here at the race extremely interesting and educational in my development as a commissaire, I am counting the days when I am finally back in Lubbock next Monday.

So long,

Jürgen

Judy is finally back home!

After exactly five weeks in the hospital, Judy was released yesterday afternoon and she is continuing her recovery at home. I talked to her yesterday right after she made it home, and she was incredibly stoked to be at the house. Emily is staying with her for a few days, and friends and neighbors will be looking in on her while I am here in new York at the World Cup and next week in Quebec at the World Championships.

Thanks for all thse vistis and phone calls while she was at Covenant! You guys were a big, big help!

Jürgen

Thanks to all

(Judy ate only a bit of this fine pizza pie, but it's a start!)

I am finally getting to think about really going home, and boy am I ready. When the drain in my surgical wound finally slows down (which should be in the next day or so) I have to wait for two more days of antibiotics. I continue to thank each of you for your thoughts, prayers, and good wishes. This has been a difficult journey, but it is made easier with the incredible support I receive from each of you.

Thanks,
Judy

Catheter gone, NG tube out, bag a-fillin'

The past few days have brought a lot of improvement for Judy. Even though she is still in room 555, things are looking up. Without the catheter and the NG tube, getting in and out of the bed is much easier. Also, Judy has started to consume clear liquids (jello, broth, popsicles), and that in turn is adding to the bowel activity that started a few days ago. She is still in the learning curve regarding the colostomy bag, but there is great help and advice from the nurses. We don't have any idea yet when she can finally leave, but I think we're getting closer.

Dr. Phillips just made his rounds and was happy with Judy's progress, and she will start some more solid foods soon. Stay tuned—Judy is ready to start the real fight, against the damn cancer, soon again.

Jürgen

Every day brings some improvement

Here we are, three full days after surgery, and Judy is getting better by the day. She manages to get out of the bed, despite all the tubes that still siphon off ugly-looking fluids from various parts of the body. Amazing what medicine can do. But it's still her body (and her spirit) that complete the healing, and that does take time.

In the photo you see her enjoying her "hair wash" during our "shower" session this morning. This shower cap has shampoo and cream rinse in it, and, like those disinfectant fluids, there's no need for rinsing or drying. Pretty cool. She enjoyed the feel of it all, and you see her smile.

We still can't tell too many funny things around her because the tummy still hurts, and she just can't laugh. But things are looking up, and the docs appear happy. The blood infection that she's been carrying for a while now has been identified and the treatment seems to do the trick as the fever is very slight now.

I am running off to Seattle in a few minutes, but we have friends who will drop in on her and stay with her over the weekend. Things look much better than just a few days ago, and we're both OK with the thought (and reality) of the colostomy.

Thank you all for your comments and e-mails, which I have read (and in the case of our German friends) translated to her. You mean so much to her!

Jürgen

24 hours later

Judy spent a rather good night after yesterday's surgery. She said that my being her made her feel comfortable. In the photo above you see Candice (who arrived this morning) fanning her with the little memento that Emily brought back for Judy from Spain. Judy is still running a slight fever, and one moment she's hot, one moment cold. Dr. Phillips came through in the morning, and he was very positive and upbeat about both the surgery as well as Judy's looks this morning. Obviously, we have a long road ahead of us, but Judy's spirits and attitude were strong today, and even though we can expect more set-backs, we're ready to tackle recovery.

Jürgen

Second surgery

I wish I could tell you that we're on the way home. Well, not just yet.

Judy developed complications over the past few days, and a scan yesterday revealed some bowel leakage. We assumed that it was the area that Dr. Phillips had bypassed, but, as it turned out, it was an area close to the rectum. Dr. Phillips was totally surprised by this location and ordered a second scan this morning. This afternoon, Judy had her second surgery in two days.

She has successfuly made it through this surgery. I just debriefed with Dr. Phillips, and here's what he found: In the colon area close to the rectum Judy had developed since the first surgery a fairly large abscess, in area at least 2 to 2 1/2 inches in diameter. There was a tiny tear or hole in the colon, and Dr. Phillips is not sure about the origin—could have been a result of the first operation and all the handling of the bowel, could have been something else. There were no problems with the bypass of the small intestine. Unfortunately, as is pretty much standard procedure in a scenario like this, Dr. Phillips had to perform a colostomy.

We knew going into this surgery today that this was a distinct possibility, and Dr. Phillips told me that he had a long, serious talk with Judy before operating on her. He repeated to me that the true enemy is the cancer, and that that's the big battle. I agree. Chemo made Judy lose her hair, and then it came back, only to be thinned again by chemo. We will adjust to the colostomy, and who knows, once we have gotten rid of the cancer it may be reversed.

Judy is still in recovery, and I know that when she comes back she will want to know what happened. I am not looking forward to having to tell her, but the news will eventually become just another twist in our new reality. We will meet this head-on, and we won't give in. She's my Judy, whatever they have to do with her.

I want to thank Donna S. for being with me in the waiting room this afternoon. Tonight I will be here in the hospital room, and I hope that poor lil' ol' Jude is not going to be in too much pain and misery. Tomorrow morning, Candice will come up from Midland for the day, and I am sure that her presence will help Judy heal physically and psychologically.

Jürgen

Another weekend in the hospital

It would have been much nicer to be at home and enjoy one of the last "free" weekends of the summer with a mojito and the smell of BBQ, but instead we're here in room 555, with still no real estimate on when Judy may come home.

The past three days have seen ups and downs. Yesterday was a really crappy day when first the damn NG tube came loose and slipped out and Judy later had to deal with a blood transfusion. Fortunately, her bowels have started to work (barely) enough so that the NG tube did not have to be re-inserted, but she battled nausea all day because the bile was just building up and that poor lil' ol' colon of hers could barely keep up. The blood transfusion caused Judy some tremendous pain: Since she is still on the liquid nutrition (TPN), which is routed through her port (together with the regular IV), the blood transfusion went through a vein in her left hand. Judging from her silent suffering, it must have been bloody painful, and after an hour and a half of very slow flow she couldn't take the pain any longer. The nurse then decided to suspend the TPN and continue the transfusion through the port, and that was a huge relief. Judy described the pain as a constant 8.5 on the 10 scale. And we all know she's a tough cookie. It was pretty gruesome sitting there with her for those 90 minutes.

Today things were much better, at least initially. The nausea was mostly gone in the morning. Unfortunately, Judy has been running a fever that has been going up and down, as high as 101.7. She had a chest X-ray and a urinalysis, but we haven't heard anything about the results. We're just hoping that we don't get into another infection situation as we did after her surgery in 2008. Oh man, that'd be pretty devastating, and Alan is still on vacation.

Judy is now allowed to consume liquids, including popsicles. But she has to be careful about the nausea, so it's all a balancing act. (The nurse just took her temperature, and we're a bit down at exactly 101.) Also, the staples that were keeping her very well-healed incision together were removed this morning.

As you can see from the picture, some beautiful flowers have arrived here at the hospital. Yesterday, a huge arrangement was delivered, coming from our friends at TMBRA, the Texas Mountain Bike Racing Association. The other, very beautiful arrangement came from the Amarillo-based parents of our neighbor across the street, Megan. Thank you so much, folks! There have been other arrangements and gifts over these past two weeks, and we want to thank all of you who have thought of Judy and brightened her hospital room and spirits.

So, the situation on this hot Saturday afternoon here in Lubbock is better than a few days ago. Things are getting better. But overall, it's a bit like the Dow Jones: There are those positive days, and then there are those losses that wipe out a bunch of capital; and then there are gains again. Overall, the trend is up, and we can't let the micro movements get too much to us.

So, let's see whether we can get the fever under control, cut out the nausea, and start consuming more and more "real" nourishment. Let's hope that the day when Judy can go home comes soon.

Jürgen

Nausea, NG tubes, and friends

Cancer is not a good thing, and cancer surgery isn't a walk in the park. Here we are, six days after Doc Phillips gave Judy another "tummy tuck," and the bowels still haven't woken up. It was rough day for Judy, who battled nausea most of the time. The damn NG tube sometimes works, and sometimes it just doesn't seem to be doing what it's supposed to do. (Kinda like some of the nurses....) As a result, that green bile accumulates and Judy feels like throwing it up—or she does.

The incision looks great—clean, no visual hint of infection, and apparently healing up a storm. Judy has a much easier time getting in and out of the bed, but the nausea is a constant that keeps her from being more active. We walked this afternoon on the oncology floor, but it sure was a struggle.

So, what makes it all bearable? The friends. Some live close-by and can make it to the hospital, just like Liz does every day. She is a tremendous comfort to Judy, and to me as well: I can leave for a while to do some of the stuff that needs to be taken care of. Our neighbor Irene stopped by today, despite the pain that any hospital visit must cause her. There were Mark, and Carol, and Jody with her dad, John. Sandi in Dallas would be here if she could, and there all those other well-wishers who post on the blog, e-mail, or leave a phone message. If I omitted someone, please forgive.

I'd be remiss if I didn't mention Cath's (yep, the one from Colorado's CJ Timing) e-mail today, letting us know that during this year's Tour de France her friends Judy and Cindy were remembered and showcased in a message on one of the roads where the peloton passed by:


And this is the location where this message was written on the pavement—coincidentally on the same route that Judy and I went on back in 1990 when we rode our tandem through France and Italy during Le Tour:


Thanks, Cath, for doing this for Judy. It brought tears to her eyes when I showed her your message!

Jürgen

I am doing well

Jürgen does such a good job keeping up with the blog, but it was my turn to thank each of you for you love and concern. I appreciate each of you so much. I am feeling better. I slept well last night. I plan to walk very soon this morning. Pain management is much better.

Thanks again for caring about me.

Judy

The weekend update

Last night, after finally getting done with everything related to the Steelhead 70.3 triathlon for which I was the Head Referee (with a fabulous crew!), I called Judy one final time for the day. Progress has been slow, but there is progress, and from talking to Candice there's much more positive than negative. For the first time after surgery, Judy sat up yesterday and even walked to the door, pretty much exhausting her. The pain management seems to be better, too, with those spasm/cramp-like pains having been targeted by some sort of muscle relaxant. She still has a catheter because using a bed pan would not work too well yet, but let's hope that this will go in the next day or two as she progresses. The NG tube is still in place as the bowels haven't totally awakened yet.

Judy sounded tired but OK. We talked several times yesterday, and obviously we can't wait for me to get back to Lubbock late this afternoon. Her friend Lorane made it in from NM, which was a happy surprise for Judy as Lorane was not going to arrive until Sunday.

I haven't spoken to Judy this morning yet—the fact that Candi has turned off her cell phone (it's about 8:00 a.m.) is IMO a good sign since that the two are getting solid rest. After the last few days of little sleep, I, too, was able to get a healthy dose of zzzzs last night, and my final drive from Portage, IN (where I spent the night) to the O'Hare airport shouldn't be too bad.

More when I have another update.

Jürgen

Judy on the mend

A quick Friday morning update: Judy had some early problems last night with pain management but seems to be fairing much better now. I just talked to Candice, who spent the night with her in the hospital, and I talked to Judy as well, who sounded really good. Judy's output through the NG tube is minimal, which would indicate that "stuff" moves through her bowels. She's allowed to have some ice chips--little things, but they all make things look positive. Let's hope that by the time I get back to Lubbock on Sunday she's off the tube and her bowels have started to take over.

Jürgen